In My Mind

In my head I've written many journal entries both here in random personal land ~ very casual and on imaginary blogs. Blogs very specific to the aspirations of my imagined super me, you know what I'm referring to, everyone has a them but better fantasy self. Oh how I do love and admire super Edie Babe, what with all her accomplishments already and more to come, her swift execution of the mad skills she's honed over a lifetime of discipline & learning; plus the healthy physic, how could anyone not love her? Er, I mean me, well not "me"me but über me... Über me = terrific and makes it look sexy and easy whereas "me"me rather much more messy, indecisive and well over weight & out if shape.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not awful or anything, despite what choir of assholes in my head might have me belief. Luckily I'm smart enough to have integrated the notion of 'don't believe everything you think' well enough to get by despite the choir of assholes singing in rounds shit like 'you can't do it' repeating lighter voices sing slowly while at the same time lower toned aholes sing faster lines like 'you suck, you really fucking suck...' etc. truly the sound is quite beautiful but the content is such vile bs. It does wear me down and sometimes out though but not always and not for long.

Yes in my mind I've been fantastically prolific, profound, funny and oh so interesting in the blogosphere. In reality is lay here bitching with one finger typing on a smart phone all the while praying for a 2 hour old headache to just f off already. Not very über me at all really.

Über awesome me has a fitness and food blog where she shares recipes & the logic & science behind them. ÜA me also has blogs dedicated to special interests, to trying other peoples theories, to become even more über ~ it's ceaseless wonderfulness that just comes naturally. Reality me bites today.

Meh.

What would your über you say to encourage my reality me right now?

Conversational Starfish

You know those conversations where you have to lead and carry for the entire talk? If this happens every time with the same person after a while do you question their interest in talking with you, or anyone for that matter? I do.

Every week I have a scheduled talk day with my love, it is very pro active and a great opportunity to just check in w each other. However I am always the one who has to lead and carry the whole deal do it feels rather one sided. I've expressed this and have been told "I don't really know how to do it if I'm not responding" to me this is verbally starfishing, he disagrees.

So I ask you my friends is it verbally starfishing if you come to a regularly scheduled talk with no questions, no curiosities, no agenda, no wishes, nothing but yourself and a willingness to respond?

Night Owl

3:45 A.M can't sleep. For some reason the last 3 or 4 days have been particularly challenging regarding sleep pattern management. I work graveyards on many weekends, kind of seasonally in that there will be months in a row it's almost every weekend then a few months with hardly any work. Currently it is more often than not.

I've been doing this for years and generally haven't had too much difficulty switching sleep patterns from night owl to morning riser... Until now it seems. Although there are other factor that may be contributing or causing this sorta-insomnia. I have low thyroid and recently started taking pills for it after about a 2 month break in taking them (couldn't afford the pills and was getting better so became too optimistic). Plus currently I'm in major limbo with career path and life choices; all of which add tension to my already taxed love relationship. Stress sucks. I'm managing everything rationally and wit direct action but still, it's a lot.

How do people do it? Those high functioning, multi tasking, über busy and nearly always up beat people, how do they do it? Super foods and smoothies? Demands that if not met will cause their world to crumble? What is the magic combo that could arrive me in the same car pool as those gung-ho achievers?

I'm not sure I'd do it even if I had a magic pill that would instantly transform me into one of those peep. I like the night scene, I can hear myself think and I feel at more home or at ease in the night. Just me and the sounds that make up the silence. I seem to get more writing done and more art made when I'm up late. Perhaps I ought to just go with it and just make it work by planning my to do list around the hours I feel most alert. That seems wrong though, feels deviant, defiant even, society wants me to fit into a schedule where I'm awake during shopping hours right? Screw that. For days now I've forced myself out of bed in the morning and into bed at night where I read or surf internet on my smart phone. Each day I become so unbelievably tired in the early afternoon that I feel drugged or something. Seriously can not function for love or money not even with caffeine chasing sugar as a little pick me up.

Can it just be my rhythm? Are thee really night people and day peeps? Don't we all need sunshine, isn't the natural way to sleep at night? I'll ask the Internet - it knows everything ;)

First Patch

This is the first patch I've ever sewn on anything. I covered some bullshit logo... get yer ads off my body! I have long wished, threatened to, planned to, wanted to, fantasizes about the very simple act of attaching a patch to customize clothes I like and hide logos but it was only a few weeks ago that I just damn well did it!

A small accomplishment to many but for a sewing phobia, all thumbs and an over active irrational aversion to sewing hopeful like myself it is a brilliant achievement.

It's the small stuff in life that'll carry you through the big stuff... just sayin'

Backward Focus

Last night my honey and I had a heart to heart, we needed to reconnect in a big way and we did<3 As often happens in a good long honest talk exploration and revealing arrives at an epiphany or two.

In my love relationship it is usually I who serves up the new perspectives, sheds light on old ideas in such a way new learning is eked out, little crumbs of innate knowings escape my lips as if I'm just reading a grocery list. I'm not bragging or even exaggerating - ask anyone who knows me well and they will confirm thats just the way I am.

On top of this I've made self awareness mission 1 for this lifetime, I believe it is key to growth of any kind. Being an avid reader of psych books and leafing in a bit of philosophy here and there, plus mixed modern thinkers... All if this and more lands me on some pretty solid ground ripe for self discovery.

Basically what I'm saying is its a rare occasion when epiphanies or aha's or whatever u want to call them arrive at me from an outside source. I always love it when it happens though, I sometimes just smile humbly being instantly grateful for the eye opener; other times I'm more animated/exited like I've just reached BINGO during a blackout round for the big jackpot.

Last night through comments revealing a simple notion that my honey ascribes to, which at first I misinterpreted and was ready to be offended by, came my most recent awakening so to speak. It seems as though I've gotten into such a concentrated habit of naming and knowing exactly what I'm trying and desperate to break away from that haven't planned what I'm going toward.

At first it felt like a sneaky & dirty trick had been played on me or that I've been rather careless or naive. My logical brain gets how easy one could slip into that stream and still believe they are moving forward but my ego feels dorky. No matter though, despite that it's mostly just thought, changing my mind on that changes everything. I'm excited and can't wait to start experiencing going forward as just that rather than looking back to make sure the shitty bits are still getting smaller due to distance. Subtle but profound.

What is one of your most profound epiphanies and how did it impact you?

Here’s To The Crazy Ones

Here&rsquo;s To The Crazy Ones

Morning Light

Despite the usual grayness of this city I call home, there is usually a beautiful streak of sunlight busting through our bathroom window. In playing around with my Lomography cameras and trying out ideas for a 365-Picture A Day album, I took a few shots of myself this morning. Please give me feed back, I'm an amateur photographer so far focusing on the Lomo way of photography which is very carefree. I am eager to learn more about photography and art. What makes a picture just a picture vs a picture as art? Is it all subjective and there for undefinable or is there a commonly known distinction?

Beyond looking for critiques of my photos I am interested in engaging in conversation about 'what is art?' in general, creative process and it's value to/connection with quality of life.

I want to meet other creatives who, like myself, are not formally trained but instead are just living a life that results in art creation. For me, coming from a very small town, I just thought that how I presented things and considered them was 'normal'. Only after living in a city for several years did I learn that I'm a bit, shall we say...side off from the status quo. I want to talk about living a creative life and being able to integrate that with the status quo enough that I can carve out a living without selling my soul.