Night Owl

3:45 A.M can't sleep. For some reason the last 3 or 4 days have been particularly challenging regarding sleep pattern management. I work graveyards on many weekends, kind of seasonally in that there will be months in a row it's almost every weekend then a few months with hardly any work. Currently it is more often than not.

I've been doing this for years and generally haven't had too much difficulty switching sleep patterns from night owl to morning riser... Until now it seems. Although there are other factor that may be contributing or causing this sorta-insomnia. I have low thyroid and recently started taking pills for it after about a 2 month break in taking them (couldn't afford the pills and was getting better so became too optimistic). Plus currently I'm in major limbo with career path and life choices; all of which add tension to my already taxed love relationship. Stress sucks. I'm managing everything rationally and wit direct action but still, it's a lot.

How do people do it? Those high functioning, multi tasking, über busy and nearly always up beat people, how do they do it? Super foods and smoothies? Demands that if not met will cause their world to crumble? What is the magic combo that could arrive me in the same car pool as those gung-ho achievers?

I'm not sure I'd do it even if I had a magic pill that would instantly transform me into one of those peep. I like the night scene, I can hear myself think and I feel at more home or at ease in the night. Just me and the sounds that make up the silence. I seem to get more writing done and more art made when I'm up late. Perhaps I ought to just go with it and just make it work by planning my to do list around the hours I feel most alert. That seems wrong though, feels deviant, defiant even, society wants me to fit into a schedule where I'm awake during shopping hours right? Screw that. For days now I've forced myself out of bed in the morning and into bed at night where I read or surf internet on my smart phone. Each day I become so unbelievably tired in the early afternoon that I feel drugged or something. Seriously can not function for love or money not even with caffeine chasing sugar as a little pick me up.

Can it just be my rhythm? Are thee really night people and day peeps? Don't we all need sunshine, isn't the natural way to sleep at night? I'll ask the Internet - it knows everything ;)

First Patch

This is the first patch I've ever sewn on anything. I covered some bullshit logo... get yer ads off my body! I have long wished, threatened to, planned to, wanted to, fantasizes about the very simple act of attaching a patch to customize clothes I like and hide logos but it was only a few weeks ago that I just damn well did it!

A small accomplishment to many but for a sewing phobia, all thumbs and an over active irrational aversion to sewing hopeful like myself it is a brilliant achievement.

It's the small stuff in life that'll carry you through the big stuff... just sayin'

Backward Focus

Last night my honey and I had a heart to heart, we needed to reconnect in a big way and we did<3 As often happens in a good long honest talk exploration and revealing arrives at an epiphany or two.

In my love relationship it is usually I who serves up the new perspectives, sheds light on old ideas in such a way new learning is eked out, little crumbs of innate knowings escape my lips as if I'm just reading a grocery list. I'm not bragging or even exaggerating - ask anyone who knows me well and they will confirm thats just the way I am.

On top of this I've made self awareness mission 1 for this lifetime, I believe it is key to growth of any kind. Being an avid reader of psych books and leafing in a bit of philosophy here and there, plus mixed modern thinkers... All if this and more lands me on some pretty solid ground ripe for self discovery.

Basically what I'm saying is its a rare occasion when epiphanies or aha's or whatever u want to call them arrive at me from an outside source. I always love it when it happens though, I sometimes just smile humbly being instantly grateful for the eye opener; other times I'm more animated/exited like I've just reached BINGO during a blackout round for the big jackpot.

Last night through comments revealing a simple notion that my honey ascribes to, which at first I misinterpreted and was ready to be offended by, came my most recent awakening so to speak. It seems as though I've gotten into such a concentrated habit of naming and knowing exactly what I'm trying and desperate to break away from that haven't planned what I'm going toward.

At first it felt like a sneaky & dirty trick had been played on me or that I've been rather careless or naive. My logical brain gets how easy one could slip into that stream and still believe they are moving forward but my ego feels dorky. No matter though, despite that it's mostly just thought, changing my mind on that changes everything. I'm excited and can't wait to start experiencing going forward as just that rather than looking back to make sure the shitty bits are still getting smaller due to distance. Subtle but profound.

What is one of your most profound epiphanies and how did it impact you?

Here’s To The Crazy Ones

Here&rsquo;s To The Crazy Ones

Morning Light

Despite the usual grayness of this city I call home, there is usually a beautiful streak of sunlight busting through our bathroom window. In playing around with my Lomography cameras and trying out ideas for a 365-Picture A Day album, I took a few shots of myself this morning. Please give me feed back, I'm an amateur photographer so far focusing on the Lomo way of photography which is very carefree. I am eager to learn more about photography and art. What makes a picture just a picture vs a picture as art? Is it all subjective and there for undefinable or is there a commonly known distinction?

Beyond looking for critiques of my photos I am interested in engaging in conversation about 'what is art?' in general, creative process and it's value to/connection with quality of life.

I want to meet other creatives who, like myself, are not formally trained but instead are just living a life that results in art creation. For me, coming from a very small town, I just thought that how I presented things and considered them was 'normal'. Only after living in a city for several years did I learn that I'm a bit, shall we say...side off from the status quo. I want to talk about living a creative life and being able to integrate that with the status quo enough that I can carve out a living without selling my soul.

New Tattoo Design Sorted

It was just one of those cool/weird scenes where I had my appointment day mixed up, hadn't collected any images for inspiration - heck I'd just posted on here looking for input then my alarm informed me I had to go see my tattoo artist.

Inspired on the fly and on a whim as well I grabbed a community journal I started and am the keeper of, in which I have a cool piece of art by, well... by me;). It is sweet story and a longer story than I can tell now because I haven't slept in over 40 hours so I'm going down now.

But before I do here is the working image and starting point of one foots impending new ink...

Renew Old Tattoos

For my b-day recently my honey pants super surprised me with an appointment to get my feet tattoos touched up. Tomorrow I go consult with the artist, who is also a friend and all around great gal. I want to update my tattoos but don't know exactly what that might look like... Any suggestions?

Helpful info:
- I am one of those people who has a story and meaningful symbolism behind each tattoo on my body (total of 5 so far). Metaphors and the like turn me on.

- I love colour in body ink esp the ones in my feet and have wanted to experiment with white for a long time

- open to partially covering current tattoos, even though I still love them after 10 years or more I am up for some freshness

- visually I'm currently attracted to fractals, old school calligraphy, industrial design especially old machinery and old typewriters. Plus the usual... nature and stuff (tehe) leaning harder toward winged bugs and gnarly vegitation like thistles and unusual plants of dark beauty.

- also whimsy and smart humor I love comics & graphic novels filled with ridiculousness and sometimes spastic characters always able to find everyday life oh so droll... And their use of sarcasm & satire ~ love it.

- The most sought after and potent desire I have right now is to find a worthy direction to move in; one that draws me toward it and welcomes me with gifts of clear purpose and compelling life affirming adventures along the way. Too long I have been scattered, fragmented and tortured by uncertainty coupled with or perhaps causing rapid cycle changes in desires/plans for future both long term and immediate.
I seem to always be on the threshold of some great potential or at a total loss for what I might want to do. Any symbolism that could speak to a strong desire to have conviction and longevity on paths well chosen from a combination of healthy head and magic heart would be awesome.
Tall order right? oops, sorry 'bout that but it is what I'm after so if ya gotz any bright ideas pls do tell.
Spanx;)

- other than the above mix of notions and desires I can say I love my feet and all I can do because of them. Walking is my main mode of transportation, buses and such are mere side dishes. And dancing - who could live without dancing.

Burning the Candle at Both ends... As usual

I'm a back sliding fool regarding some sticky old habits; which never ceases to astound and frustrate me to the enth degree. It is almost comical how I am genuinely surprised to discover myself in some retrograde behavioral loop, one(s) that I'm certian I've done the work to evolve out of. My logical brain has no issue with it though... good 'ol LB at the ready with some completely reasonable possibilities or observations.

So my current reality is bitch slapping me in the face with an old out moded
way of engaging with life. It is like,Edie Babe 0.1, I'm talking vintage version here people. I worked my ass off going down deep into cold damp reaches of my soul and into old wounds, the whole shebang, in order to no longer live as a Reactionary Creature. Ya, that's right... I was one of those people who seemed ever either in a crisis or happy to be helping someone with theirs and have 2 or 3 jobs on the go. If talk about some future time when I'd get to relax and... and it was so intense I forgot any ambitions I'd ever had because all I did was respond to outward stimulation.

Presently I've arrived at such a great level of stress from mass activity and other thing that I unconsciously slipped right back to the old ways of being governed by what is happening. I stopped carving out me time, stopped dreaming of what would be fun to do, forgot how comfy my bed can be.... I haven't been attending to me in some very important ways as of late and that saddens me a little. I'm sorting it out though one day a time.

I wish I could be more like the LB sliver of my mind instead of the rather mixed mis-matched temperaments & experiential influences, all responding in 5 different ways to any given situation just to have my ass covered. The flurry of activity tricks me into thinking I have that much more of a chance that eventually I'll have done something just right at some point. Clearly these little back sliding episodes bring with a bit of historical minutia which makes me either pissed that I'm still 'there' or kinda of nostalgic mixed w a pinch of personal pride for personal gains I have made.

Well at least it is just temporary.

Office work¿ Me? Uh no, just not into it...

Housework ~ not really into it (broom)

First photo in a series of cleaning tools put out to pasture, my Grandpa would say ;)

I love strolling in my 'hood.

Free Couch

Previously loved free couch spotted on my walk home the other night;)

Tips for Douchbags

*this sat as a draft until I could do at least a bare minimum edit.*

Whether your a girl or a boy out on the town, maybe doing some dancing; which, for some, includes frequent trips to the bar &/or the bathroom... I'm talking freakishly frequent here *that is a total give away - and yes, security notices*. Black light parties, btw, really hilight stuff like, oh lets say, fine white powders, just as an example... *so washing your hands and maybe splashing your face is not only good hygiene, but also, just smart if discretion is something you go in for which, I highly recommend.

The biggest tip for all you Douchbags who went out tonight thought is this... "Whatever" is never an appropriate response when you are getting busted for things like a mini mountain of snow on the toilet tank lid; AND it's for sure not what to say when being escorted out for *ahem* Sexual Misconduct (fuck face - I can call you that now 'cause I'm no longer on duty, fuck you very much).

Seriously though, if 'whatever' is your big come back you need to go school. The Douchbags ranging from average to phenomenal at the art or "craft", if you will, of douchbaggery (or is it douchbuggery?) are fully embarrassed by you guys... the 'whatever' guys get no respect, not even from co-dbs. "Whatever" is an utterly lazy nonsense response which goes nowhere so fast that it makes the air immediately around us stale. If oxygen had eyes it would roll them.

Hope this helps dbags everywhere act a little bit better when next we meet... I know if followed it'll help me hate u just a little bit less;)

Oh! But wait! BONUS TIP: If, when you pull your shirt away from your body and let it snap back, a flurry of white powder snows down like a surprising special effect... ahem... Uh-how to say(?)... YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG for starters and, really, if that is your fullest & best capability Go Home, Drink Water, Get Some Sleep ~ and for the kids who want extra points... Try not being an egotistical asshole from now on - you might like it. I know I would like it if you weren't an ahole anymore.

Just
Saying'

No really - free tips 'cause I like to share information that can help a person rise up a bit.

Sigh, stoopid day at the 'office' for this kid. Thank lastcallness it's over ;)

Living w heartache

I am currently tortured by emotions, trapped between what I want, what I wish I wanted and what I'm actually getting. I've made a compromise in my heart and my head between how I really am right now and how I wish to be; the danger or risk is in revealing this request to those involved in aforementioned heartache... Will they hear me, empathize and deliver OR will they defend & continue to act selfishly thereby continuing a pattern of violation against me? Who can say really - time and effort will tell. What I do know is that this emotionally charged adventure which finds me holding the shitty end of the stick is very tiring. Even the sun is not charging me w energy like it usually does on a day like today.

How Could I Not?

There is an infrared sauna for two in my basement now, it has been here about 3 weeks maybe 4. Though it is late and I, like most people I know, have loads of stuff that must get done. Everything on the list is a priority to someone, if not myself, then someone who will call, email, text and otherwise pester until I serve it up... so life then? Life, all of it, is just one big ass Priority these days and it'll get worse before it gets better. What with the sun gone for months starting now and super consumer Xmass about to fill the shops with crazed peeps trying to say love with stuff instead of just saying it and trusting that that by itself is more than enough, oh yes worse before it gets better.

Under these circumstances and add a hat trick of family tragedy to my mix plus school and work and so on... how could I not arrive my ass in the sauna almost every night? I get to be hot and alone in the pretty lights, carpeted oasis I have carved out of the basement - what could be better than that to chase the blahs away?

Sweet sigh... gotta go for next round if sweating :)

Go With A Friend

Omg they are so cute! I can't believe I was able to capture several shots with 2 or more bees on flowers so close to each other. It made me giddy and all in awe if nature (like usual). Sigh. Swoon.

Something About Doors (kinda)

Ha!  Welcome to my world... this attempt at a public blog finds me unprepared creatively and time wise but I want to get it started so perhaps I'll just blow my load on this first entry just to know I have begun, to be able to lay my head on the pillow tonight and know I actually started something because I wanted to and for no other reason.  I have no easily discernible agenda/purpose for this bit of rambling other than living out loud maybe (whatever that really means).  Currently change seems to be the order of the day(s) for me, things beyond my control have come along causing me to have to adjust... so as each day brings a new way for me manage stress and exercise advanced communication skills I am reminded of cliches designed to turn that frown upside down (or whatever).

Among said cliches lives the very common notion of a door being opened everywhere and every time a door closes... so really any rejections and/or abandonment feelings of reality etc are to be viewed as new exciting opportunities to be embraced yes??  Uh sure... I bet that works great for many peeps... I'm just gonna take a day or two to be bewildered and a bit cranky over the sudden cold splashes of water onto my reality, I think that is appropriate.  Then later, after some grrr and some exploring options in that wild brain-stormy way and a bit more grrr then and only then will I be settling in with a glass of wine to listen quietly for the opening doors - the ones that are supposed to be following not too far behind the 'doors' that just got slammed on my school option for one thing (or there is more - there is Always MoRe). 

Sigh - it is a bit vague but I know what the h.e.double hockey sticks is going on - for the most part anyway;) and is that not all that really matters?